fausts_dream

Content Warning- Suicide mention, substance abuse, Pervasive Bad Language, Very ANGRY man



Love you? That goes without saying, of course I love you. From the first kiss, 39 years ago. You don't sacrifice everything for someone for 39 years without love or insanity. And for me you were both. Your pick up line was rock solid, you could take me out of the hell between my ears, where things were hot and bothered even then, and take me to a place peaceful and cool. Oblivion is peaceful and cool, and it's shape is so seductive in the dark.

Chemically we are a little different, I am not smart enough to tell you exactly what you do like a scientist, dopamine, serotonin...oxytocin, am I close. Hell, I don't know, I am a words guy, my brother could do math and science, your cousin depression put him at the business end of his own fucking Glock. That was a nice touch. I found him, I think it shocked everyone when I put you aside long enough to get him buried. The cop on the scene said my brother was an alcoholic, because of that frou-frou bullshit he kept in his freezer. Bailey's, Cointreau, that kind of low octane bullshit no self respecting drunkie would mess with. Workaholic pothead my brother, not a combination often found in nature. Nothing natural about me or my family, but of all of a depressives possible suitors, I was the one in this generation who chose you. Good for me, the bullet would have been cleaner.

I ran the numbers, I managed to get 35 stage credits an associates and a Batchelor's degree. You knew that a fucking vain cocksucker like me, you had to leave SOMETHING and grudgingly you did.

We are chemically different I said, my chemistry is complex, yours is pretty simple. People try to convince me you are a poison, sure almost every chemical is poisonous in the right quantity. But I know you better, 39 fucking years remember. You are a solvent, a good one. You dissolve everything 30 romantic relationships at least 10 of them good, women who deserved better than the fucking crumbs you left me with. I married one of them, but that's gone now. I talk to a couple others now and again, I don't think they or someone like them should be mine, I know it. The way I know a bartender in Houston who will give me a bottle of Bookers barrel proof for my one-year chip. Some days, God help me, it's tempting. You dissolved 10 jobs, one of them a real vocation, a career. And my shitty little hobby, you had to finally decide I couldn't even work for free in East Podunk community theater...that may have been a small mistake.

I know what your big mistake was, you finally got me reduced to the point where even my crocked, delusional mind (do the kids say delulu, I wouldn't fucking know, I gave you my youth) even addled I could no longer pretend I was a nice person. I threw my wife down cracked a rib, held my mothers hand the day she died and had you in the other. Mommy Sue Beth carried water for me for 50 years and that was all you left me to repay her with.

I once was as obsessed with a woman as I was with you. Denied her NOTHING, didn't ask me to set you aside, that might have been an interesting decision. She married another man (because Sanity other people haz it) But still I denied her nothing....finally she said her husband was a "sissy" and she wanted him to suck my cock as a "punishment" because he hated me. It wasn't I found the idea of the act that horrifying, I have done things with men before and since. It was the fact she never considered I would say no...broke the spell.

You stopped believing it was even possible I would say no too, did you forget what an egotistical motherfucker I am. Sure fuck me without lube for almost 40 years, but you have to at least let me think it's my choice.

We aren't done you and I. I think I have 16 years left, give or take. If you win, I relapse and that 16 years turns into 3 painful ones.

If I win, maybe I get a girl or a career believe me when I say that isn't the most important part, or an understanding with my "higher power".

I am going to take those 16 years and have maybe 50 sponsees, from what I know of how that works I can expect to help save two...fuck that...help two save themselves. Instead, I am going to save 4. I am going to avenge myself 4 times. The boy, the man, the husband, the son I should have been. I am going to hunt you. You will take others away, like all members of 12 step groups worth their salt I will have a black suit for funerals.

But fewer funerals....I hope at least 4. Long odds are better than no odds at all.